What we are hearing in The Mental Load Shift so far

Before The Mental Load Shift began, we put a statement of our own in front of the people who had signed up: “Other people in our family know what needs doing without me having to say it.” Nobody agreed with it. I keep coming back to that result.

In October the first two groups started the coaching program I developed with coach Andrea Böckle, and the open group has now had its first two check-ins. Everything I share here comes from that open group alone. Responses were anonymous, and the lines I quote appear with permission and without names. The group is small and the program young, so please read this as an early impression and not as an evaluation.

What people brought with them

Our questionnaire before the start describes a head that never quite clocks off. Almost everyone constantly has in mind what is coming up next for the family, and for most that carries on during work. Most work part-time, yet few manage to separate the two mentally.

Even when they hand something over, most still have to think about whether it gets done. The task has moved and the thinking has stayed behind, which is why handing over so often brings no relief.

Asked how they would notice afterwards that something had improved, hardly anyone named a finished task. Most hope for a lighter head and more calm, and many want things to happen in the family without having to chase them. Only a few said they talk regularly about who takes on what.

The word that keeps coming up

After the check-ins we asked what had been most valuable, and in most answers the same word appears. It is exchange, talking to the others.

Going straight into exchange with other wonderful women and getting to the depth of it right away through the method and questions.

Others put it more briefly, with “Exchange in the small group” and “The exchange in small groups and Andrea’s examples.” One person valued “Taking time, and new input.” Another came away with something to use at home: “How I can concretely reflect with my partner and define our task packages.”

Quotes translated from German.

When you carry all of this by yourself, you can easily come to believe you have a personal organising problem. Then you sit down in a small group, and within minutes you notice that the others are describing the same thing. From there you start looking at how the whole arrangement works, because mental load is a system question.

Plans that are pleasantly unspectacular

We also asked what people planned to do before the next check-in, and I love how ordinary the answers are. One person wrote “A conversation with the family about how we share our tasks.” Another wrote “Planning the sync sooner.” And then comes what may be the bravest line in all the answers: “Actively defining my mental load, and also reflecting on whether our assumptions about our family setup are even true.”

The shortest answer of all might be my favourite.

Talking to each other.

Between sessions the work carries on in familymind, the assistant that helps a family plan and remember what it has agreed. At the second check-in, everyone who responded had at least partly done what they set out to do last time, in the middle of normal family life.

What has not moved yet

The load from organising, planning and thinking ahead has not gone down after these first weeks, and I would be suspicious if it had. A distribution that grew over years does not shift on a single Friday morning. You probably even see more of it at first, when you look closely for the first time.

What gives me confidence is that everyone says the content fits their life, and that the check-ins are rated as helpful. At the end of the program we will ask the same questions again, and I will report back on what changed and what did not.

What we could do better

People asked for “more time for the breakout sessions”, which comes as no surprise after everything above. They also asked for “more examples in the app” and for a clearer explanation of how the program works and where it leads. We are taking all three on board. In the same box someone simply wrote “I love your seminars”, and that made my day.

Where to start

If you nodded along, start small. The Mental Load Test takes two minutes and gives you a number to talk about tonight. Andrea has also written down how the program grew out of her own story.